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Sound Off: Table of Contents
Sound Off: Judge J writings
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The Root Of All Evil taping Part II
Lewis Black Gets Down and Dirty Digging for the Root of All Evil
Yes I’ve been Black but when I come back you’ll know, know, know.
(with deepest apologies to Amy Winehouse)
Dateline Hollywood - Dec 6th
6:50
e natives are really starting to get restless now. Desperate and frequent pleas for potty breaks are made and people with full bladders, empty stomachs and frozen appendages are beating a path to the door. Even my USB seat mate has deserted me for warmer digs.
"The Frig" re-appears with some newly purchased junk food and attempts to entertain the crowd with a round of trivia and prizes of autographed Lewis Black memorabilia. However, try as he may, even the promise of full size Hersey Bars with Almonds and autographed DVDs do nothing to stem the tide of the rapidly departing disenfranchised who are beating a path to the exits like rats off the proverbial sinking ship. I look around me. Half of the seats, including those in the first two rows in front of me, are now up for grabs.
I glance down at my open-toed Manolos to see if any of its occupants have started to turn blue yet. So far so good, but I’ve got at least another hour and half of freezing temps so who knows? My teeth begin to chatter and I swear I see icicles beginning to form on the lighting rigs. New people start wandering in and sitting down. I look across the set and see a guy draped in what looks like a king-size floral bedspread. However, on second glance, I discover that it’s really a tattered and torn Bekins moving blanket which is decorated with a series of spectacular stains and some very questionable discolorations. A little old Lady in a bright feather boa and raincoat who is sitting in the first row across from me is intently digging through one of the many plastic shopping bags that she’s dragged in with her and there’s a new guy sitting a couple rows away from me with dreadlocks in a pea coat who I hear complaining, "Whoa ….and I thought I was friggin cold standing outside of Grumman’s..."
7:00
OK, I give up….It’s nipple numbing cold now. My lips are tingling and I can’t feel my nose. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I really wanted to see how and when Black finally got to the root of all evil, I would have bolted for the warm backseat of Yuri’s ride.
7:10
Unannounced and unexpected, Black unassumingly walks back on the set and instantly starts apologizing to everyone and anyone for all of the delays and royal F-ckups including "the f-cking unbelievable continuing absence of any god-damn f-cking heat!" He then does a slow once around the set during which he asks the audience where they’re from and how they got tickets for the show.
A few of us, like me, came because of one of his website, others because of ads posted on Craig’s List and still others, including the three that I just described above, were bussed in from the surrounding environs.
Black’s slow burn reaction to the troubling results of his survey seemed to be just the shot of adrenaline the silent masses needed to be awakened from their slumbering stupor because from then on everyone was at rapt attention as Black congenially conducted Q &A for the next 10 minutes while amiably autographing some of the Black marketed booty won by some of the lucky trivia participants. A few of my favorite moments were:
When asked how he was enjoying Hanukkah and whether he had gotten any great gifts, Black replied that he been mercifully spared the agony of celebrating this festive event this year because he’d basically been locked up for the past 2½ weeks, 12 hours a day working on the “f-cking” show and as a result luckily hadn’t had to deal with it. He then related that the “best” Hanukkah present that he could recall every receiving was a dozen wire hangers from his Mother who proudly included them as an additional surprise bonus gift one year and then called him up so that he could specifically thank her for them. In response to questions about when and where he was going to be touring next, Black quietly announced that his next gig was in Iraq and then spent a couple of fleeting seconds emotionally discussing how he felt about going on his first USO tour. For a guy who’s usually in a tirade, tearing something to shreds or ripping somebody a new one, it was really a wonderfully genuine and unique moment which gave us lucky shivering fools a momentarily glimpse of the true Lew, that concert goers and fans of Comedy Central probably never get the chance to see. And finally, the show stopper. Just as Black was rounding third and coming into the home stretch of the Q & A portion of the night, the Bag Lady in the Boa, who he’d just walked past, starts to loudly scold him: “I don’t see why you have to swear so much. I really don’t like it at all. You use way too many swear words and should stop right now because it’s not funny and a man of your age should really know better. I bet your mother wouldn’t be happy if she knew what you had to do to make a living.” After a collective gasp, the audience falls hush and sits bolt upright in their seats because they sense that this is gonna be good, really, really good. In fairness, you really had to have been there to fully appreciate Black’s unrehearsed response but, since you weren’t, I’ll do my very best to describe it as vividly as possible. Stunned and speechless (for once), Black stops dead in his tracks and reels to face her. Then, as if magically morphed into a raging, rampaging and roaring Grizzly Bear on steroids who’s just been rudely awaken from hibernation, he rears upright, twirls around while furiously flailing his arms above his head and bellows: “Huh? What the f-ck? Are you god-damn shitting me? The next couple of minutes after that are a blur because, to be honest, everything went black as he then proceeded to take her, the First Amendment, and censorship in general on with reckless abandon to the delight of everyone, even those who had a moderate hearing loss half a block away. For the record, let me just say, I’ve never heard so many explicatives, so vehemently uttered in such a variety of entertaining ways in such a short period of time. It was a wild ride indeed which fittingly came to its conclusion when Black defiantly announced (or dared anyone or everyone) to “Kiss my dick!” As the black smoke cleared, Black eased back into his charming, effusive, affable self while the Bag Lady went happily back to rummaging through her bags as if nothing had ever happened.
7:20
Although calm had now returned to the set, the camera crew had not, leaving Black with a little more time to kill. And what better way to do it, than for him to do what he loves and does best: Ten minutes of brilliant stand-up during which Black recited a litany of the people and things that he had summarily “black balled” or “black listed” with vivid and vitriolic explanations on each of why. Some of it was new, some of it recycled, some of it just updated, but all of it very, very Lew-worthy, extremely funny and very much appreciated by his long cold suffering audience. As Black bowed and exited stage left, I could already feel the blood rushing back to my extremities.
7:30
F-f-f-f-finally, just as frost is beginning to form on the floor of the set, filming of “The Debate” portion of the episode is again mercifully underway. This time, however, unlike before, Oswalt and Giraldo quickly get into their groove and as a result filming of this segment (which included some very funny video clips and some great ad-libbed remarks) wraps in a matter of minutes. Because the taping is running so late, nobody moves except the camera crew, dolly grip and the boom operator who all zero in on Black, who by the demonic look on his recently re-pancaked face, is more than a little ready for his close up.
7:40
The "Inquisition" segment of the episode, in which Black vigorously grills Oswalt and Giraldo about their respective positions, is shot next. After a couple of flubs by Black (who playfully reprimands himself and contritely apologizes to everyone insight each time) the filming goes pretty smoothly - with Oswalt and Giraldo having lots of fun verbally sparring with one another and Black, but with Black (who makes Spain’s Infamous Inquisitor, Torquemada, look like Jeopardy’s Alex Trebek on Prozac) obviously having the most fun - taunting his co-stars by frequently overruling their comments (even when no objection to them had been made by their opponent) and titillating and delighting the audience with unabashed and (what looks like unscripted) sarcastic zingers, all of which he expertly punctuates with perfectly timed "Calls for Order" as he merrily bangs away with his gavel. It’s a hoot. It’s offensive and best of all it’s totally original - a wonderful, wild and wacky satire on all the well-worn rituals of our judicial system as well as all of our outdated and asinine courtroom contrivances. I’ll bet Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. is rolling over in his grave as he speaks.
7:50-8:10
Since they’re shooting in sequence, "The Ripple of Evil" (where the boys get to predict the dour and dire consequences that will surely befall us all if the other’s evil is left unchecked) and the "Closing Statement" portion of the episode (where they both try to convince Black that the other’s client is really the root of all evil) are filmed next. Suffice it to say that watching the boys strut, preen, prance and pontificate as they do their best Sebastian Shark, Arnie Becker or Alan Shore impression was certainly worth the wait.
8:15
Finally - Black is back and ready to render his "Final Verdict." It’s hard to write about this without ruining the shock value of the moment, especially when Black starts wisecracking about porn or jewdiciously mulling over the probable future of the parties now that Lewy's suited up and on the bench. So let's just leave it at this: It was like witnessing Black’s well known nemesis, the bad-tempered, ill-humored and vindictive Old Testament God deliver the stone tablets containing the 10 Commandments to Moses on Mt. Sinai complete with fire, brimstone, lightning bolts, thunder and a burning bush which, in this case, took the guise of Black's blistering, feisty and ferociously funny closing comments. What can I say, the man was brilliant - his delivery impeccable - and his judicial persona, even without the robe, just the right mixture of ire, angst, exasperation, curmudgeonly resignation and bombastic bullshit.
8:20 & encore at 9:30
At the end of both tapings (actually all of the tapings I attended), the crew filmed some handheld camera People’s Court-style interviews off-stage with Black about his decision and the two attorneys who reflected on their respective win or loss. Needless to say, this was, other than Black’s outrageous off the monogrammed cuff remarks, which seemed totally unrehearsed (further proof that the man is a comic genius), the loosest and funniest part of the show. I can’t reveal more or it would certainly spoil the laughs for you. All I can say is if you’re setting your TiVo, make sure that you leave enough time to record this portion of the show. It’s priceless and certainly worth missing the first five minutes of whatever else you may have on your To Do List.
8:30-9:30
We’re now at the 3.5 hour mark and they've just started filming the second episode, 'Oprah vs. The Catholic Church,' with Paul F. Tompkins, channeling Atticus Finch, doing a fine and fully believable lawyering job and an impeccably suited Giraldo superbly sliming up the joint, arguing which of the two is more evil. Suffice it to say, from what I witnessed, this episode was wisely chosen as the premiere episode for this series because, as Black had promised during his intro some 2.5 hours earlier, if there's an episode that could put an abrupt end to his comedy career, the judiciary as we know it, television in general and Comedy Central in particular, this is absolutely, positively, resoundingly, it. Maybe it’s just some sort of kosher kismet that, because of Black's no holds barred, take no prisoners, in your face and up your ass comedic style, the only person on this planet who has the comic cojones to totally decimate, eviscerate and humiliate what are unquestionably society’s most sacred and biggest cow (the Catholic Church and Oprah Winfrey, respectively) is the person most qualified to do it, namely Lew, the "Ajewdicator."
Once again, Black's timing was infallible and it was heavenly watching him administer the last rites to the Church while simultaneously performing a much needed exorcism on the less than divine Ms. W. Other than this, it's impossible for me to write anything more specific about this outrageous experience without ruining it - so I won't. But, I will leave you with these parting thoughts.
First, this was, by far, my favorite episode, and I'm not saying this just because I'm a long lapsed catholic who’s neither a fan of Harpo Productions or religions who live by the, "Won’t ask - Won’t tell" credo when it comes to monitoring their clergy.
Second, a word of advice to the College of Cardinals: they had better plan on heavily sedating Pope Benedict XVI on the 12th if there's even a remote possibility that the Vatican’s satellite dish is up and running and His Holiness has a predilection for channel surfing that might inadvertently land him on Comedy Central and thereafter send him off to the hereafter in an early grave.
Finally, as far as the verdict is concerned, all I can say is that, when the white smoke finally clears, neither the Vatican or Harpo’s Hefty Harpy will be selecting Black’s next book, “Me of Little Faith” (which is due out on June 3rd) as their Book of the Month Club Selection.
9:35
Fade to black. It's a wrap and I'm outta there posthaste beating a path back to the airport while basking in the comfort of the limo's heated seats secure in the knowledge that I have a week to defrost.
Dateline Hollywood: December 12th
5:30-6:30
Having learned the hard way from my prior week's mistakes, I arrive promptly, and this time properly insulated, at Gate C where I’m immediately granted access from the Security team who remember me from the week before.
5:30
Time to hit it, and boy have my priorities changed. This week, instead of worrying about how close I can get, my major concern is to find a seat as far away from an air conditioning vent as possible. Luckily for me as I round the bend into the studio I’m recognized by some of the floor crew who direct me to the first row stage left with promises that, since it’s closer to the lights, it will be a lot warmer. I quickly plop down between a big boned couple from the Valley and five zaftig young women, all of whom turn out to be really good company as well as great additional insulation.
6:00
Black is introduced, makes a few opening remarks and then ascends to the dais, this time armed only with his usual arsenal of water bottles. Since I've already spent over 3.5 hours watching him do his thing, I can tell by the look on his face that he's about to blow and unload on something or someone at any moment. Sure enough, as soon as the lights go up, Black sarcastically announces that the network has just informed him that because they didn't like "the look and feel" of any of the promos that were previously shot, he’s going to have to re-shoot all of them right now in whatever suit he had on when he originally made them. I'd love to be able to convey the way he relayed the above (body language et. al), but if you're at all familiar with his work you can just image the exasperated and annoyed tone in which he delivered this message, not to mention the trademark facial expressions, guttural noises and hand gestures that went with it. After the first promo is redone to the studio’s satisfaction, he bounds down from the dais for wardrobe change number one of many.
6:10-6:40
Throughout the course of the next twenty minutes or so, Black changes from one perfectly tailored and color coordinated ensemble of “Lewsurewear” to another and then promptly returns to the dais where he patiently endures being primped, poofed, de-linted and de-smudged before he rehearses and re-tapes each of the previous promos.
Although he seems a bit frustrated about having to re-do this stuff, he also seems to be having a great time with the audience - explaining everything and basically giving us a primer on how to work yourself into a raving maniacal frenzy in just three easy lessons. It’s especially fun to watch him go from a calm, affable guy to a frothing lunatic in less than sixty seconds. You almost expect to see his eyes start glowing, flames spurt out of his mouth and smoke spew from his ears.
6:45
Taping of the episode entitled 'Las Vegas vs. The Human Body' begins with Andrew Daly, who’s a charmer, and Oswalt, nicely repackaged in another adorable little three piece number, representing the respective offenders this time up. This time, because I'm sitting in the front row under the lights on the opposite side of the set I get a totally different (and much warmer) perspective of what’s going on. Additionally, since I'm sitting kitty corner from one of the floor cameras and just above the teleprompters, it's an in your face (and theirs) up close and personal look at all of the talent, which was particularly entertaining when Black joined Daly and Oswalt and they all engage in some good natured kidding and carousing.
Evidently, because of the prior week's filming snafu, some of Black's segments, which were previously shot on the dais, are now being shot on the floor by a camera which is suspended precariously over his head.
Since you already know the drill, I'm not going to bore you with any more specifics except to say that both Daly and Oswalt really nailed it. Daly, all washed and scrubbed was properly self righteous looking, and Oswalt was still pudgy, still whiney and still as cute as ever. The guys' video clips were especially fun to watch and Oswalt's risqué remarks regarding aphrodisiacs, orifices, orgasms and other unmentionable bodily functions were a hoot which had the audience (who this time must have been more carefully chosen than before because they actually knew: where they were, why they were here and, most importantly, who Lewis Black was) howling.
But it was really Black's night to shine. His randy and ribald comments, which included references to selected portions of his anatomy - including the proud announcement that he had just christened one of its more distinguished members with a diminutive new nickname - as well his suggestions for some new and creative uses for duct tape, were prurient and priceless. All in all, everybody seemed a lot more relaxed than the week before and - sadly before you knew it, it was over. Slam, bam, thank you Sir, Ma'am - the verdict was in with everybody acquitting themselves very nicely indeed.
7:30
The second episode (which co-incidentally is my second favorite and will air on Wednesday, March 19th) is entitled, 'Donald Trump vs. Viagra,' and features comedians Andy Kindler and Giraldo debating which was the root of all evil. Again, since you already know the show’s basic set-up, I'm only going to give you my overall impressions. First, Kindler, playing his usual melancholy, maligned and magnanimous self, was the perfect foil for the pompous, preening and still perfectly put together Giraldo. Both comedians did a fine job delivering the offensive and outrageous material (including some really wild video clips and verbal sparring, which considering the two evils on trial, naturally contained numerous images and wisecracks about penises, erections, impotence, dicks, pricks and 'The Donald') in what looked to be a semi ad-libbed and relaxed fashion.
Second, the interactions between Giraldo and Black, especially the takes and retakes (which got funnier and sillier as they went along) concerning how Judge Black wanted to be addressed in his courtroom were positively priceless. I’d love to spill it, but I won’t because that would spoil all the fun. What I will share with you is this: Mother Black's little boychik, Lewis Niles, eventually got his comedy comeuppance from a gally little gentile named Greg.
When all was said and done, it was, however, like before, Black who stole the show -cackling, crowing, squawking, griping, grumbling and grousing about “the two dicks on trial” in his inimitable and irascible way before he gleefully lowered the proverbial boom on the guiltier party. I leave it for you to guess how he ruled, just know he did!
8:30
Save for the back stage interviews ala People’s Court that I mentioned before, the show’s over and I’m good to go and no worse for the wear and a whole lotta Lew better for spending the colder part of the last two Thursday nights watching comedy history being made.
8:40
Yuri meets me at the curb and I slump into the backseat of the limo to ponder what I've just witnessed. Since most of the theatrical antics I'm used to seeing occur within the confines of a courtroom, which is heavily policed by two armed deputies and requires that all of the nut jobs clear security before they enter the court, I was more than a little bit blown away by what I'd just seen. As a consequence, it took me a couple of months to catch my breath, regroup and collect my thoughts to write this article and more than a couple of glasses of Merlot to pen the following pithy conclusion. That being said, here goes (and remember, you’ve been warned, so act accordingly).
The figure of speech, "the root of all evil," is normally used to signify "something that causes serious problems and that people would be better off without." St. Paul, the Apostle, in one of his Epistles, concluded that "the love of money" was the root of all evil, while Playwright George Bernard Shaw concluded just the opposite; that "the lack of money" was the real culprit. For a while I suppose, this was considered "the ying and yang" of evil, carefully tied up in one neat little package.
However, since the time that George and Paul first made their astute observations the viewing public has, thanks in no small part to the miracle of television, been safely and systematically exposed to a vast array of additional evils (most of which were certainly never contemplated by St. Paul or ever written about by Shaw) via their favorite TV shows, the harsh realities of which they naively believed lurked benignly outside their front doors.
Well, all of that’s going to change on March 12th, when everyone with a cable subscription, a remote control and a satellite dish is scheduled to get the wakeup call from hell from one Lewis Black, who's ready, willing and more than able to come crashing through your 60 inch flat screen into your living room to administer a swift kick in your ass accompanied by the following greeting, "Wake-up you f-cking Moron, while you've been lying here like a worthless piece of shit the world’s been going to hell in a hand basket and we’re all being dragged along for the ride! "I'm so f-cking pissed off I'm going to gouge my eyes out with a f-cking spoon and rupture my eardrums with a f-cking screwdriver just so I don’t have to consciously bear witness to this god-damn f-cking shit anymore!"
Sounds a bit off putting doesn't it? Something you might want to avoid like the plague, a root canal or a colonoscopy? However, before you grab the remote and look for greener or at least less meaner pastures, I strongly suggest that you sit back, try to relax and let Lew take you on his wild ride during which he wrecks virtual havoc on anyone or anything that gets in the way of his comedic quest to get to the "root of all evil." I guarantee that after just one episode you'll have a whole new perspective on the phrase "root of all evil" and will fully comprehend that, at least in Black's case, it's something that no one should avoid and everyone is better off with.
Mark my words, come mid-March, idols are going to topple, icons are going to fade, lofty ideals and archaic customs are going to take a nosedive, once revered professions are going to be held up to ridicule, figure heads are going to roll, certain accepted standard and practices are going to be seriously compromised and a select number of our long held ideologies are finally going to be revealed for the frauds that they really are. All compliments of the petulantly presiding Hon. L. N. Black who, fortunately for us all, when it comes to getting to the “root of all evil” as well as the heart and soul of sublimely searing, offensively original and wickedly raucous satire, royally rules!
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