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Sound Off: Table of Contents
Sound Off: Judge J writings
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LA CONFIDENTIAL: Judge J Disses and Tells
To celebrate reaching the halfway point of Root’s 2nd Season without being shut down by the FCC, I decided to bare it all and reveal the inside scoop on what “comedic gold” (or deep sixed dreck) I unearthed as I was dissing the dirt at the July tapings. On the QT and strictly off the record then I present the down and dirty poop on each episode’s evildoer duos (THE BLACKLISTED), La La Land’s looney Legal Dream Team twosomes (LA LAW), the priceless albeit uncensored - thus unairable moments (think public humiliations/ personal indignations) that dear Lewis endured during the shoot (BLACK MAGIC MOMENT(S) and the strange, but true, goings on at Studio 4 which, from time to time, made someone even as jaded as me, pause and say “What the fuck?” (DISTURBIA). Rounding out this Diss-ertation is the first ever presentation of the highly converted LEWLEW (think kosher “lollapalooza”) Awards to the person(s) whose performance(s) was deemed to be so fucking far out it was Fucking A in-credible and my own derisive digital rating system in the guise of the LEW’D, CRUDE & OBNOX- ODOMETER which subjectively rates each episode and awards  as warranted - lauding only a fistful of “the highly prized “Fuck Yous” to those exemplary episodes that truly embody the “basic Black” elements we self described Lewnatics hold near and dear to our hearts. Caveat to those who don’t totally agree with what follows: "That’s Showbiz!"
THE BLACKLISTED: Steroids vs.Boob Jobs (taped July 2nd)
Judge Black exposes the truth about those jiggleless ta-tas and gravity defying Double D tit-ties, deflates the myth that “bigger is better” by proclaiming that anything more than a mouthful in the morning is just a rude awakening and simultaneously berates, eviscerates and castrates those Neanderthal overly buffed Boobs whose Gargantuan heads and pea-size gonads house an assortment of chemically enhanced bumps, lumps, humps and bulges some of which rival the size of some compact cars.
LA LAW: A semi clean shaven Greg Giraldo goes head to head (see below) with the always dapper “undercover lover” Anglo upstart Andrew Daly who this time channeling Barry White. BTW: Mr. D: "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe."
BLACK MAGIC MOMENT: Lewis explaining that the two headless Roman statutes at the rear of the newly remodeled set originally had his head on them but were later decapitated because he looked like a "fucking retarded child who’d been removed from his mother’s womb with bad forceps."
DISTURBIA: The elderly couple from Van Nuys who showed up with a picnic basket full of goodies complete with fried chicken and potato salad (No doubt they must have heard that due to the studio’s sub zero temps the mayo wouldn’t spoil?) who started snacking on the tortilla chips, guacamole and salsa the moment their backsides hit the brand new deluxe vinyl and metal seats and only stopped troughing when someone finally yelled, "It’s a wrap!" perhaps thinking that he was referring to some after dinner sweet treat wrapped in a pita pocket?
AND THE LEWLEW GOES TO: Assistant Producer, Pat Whitney whose calm aplomb in ordering Lewis around on the set throughout these tapings was a sight to behold and the type of behavior from which legends are born.
LEW’D, CRUDE & OBNOX-ODOMETER:
The Guys were really “pumped” as they proceeded to rib each other about penis sizes which ranged from the aired “4 inches” to ribald boasts of something approaching the “7 1/2 inches to Infinity and Beyond! ” range. Whew since my nipples got hard just listening to this Dickfest even though this time I had the good sense NOT to sit under an aircon vent I gotta give them a four finger salute for their efforts.
THE BLACKLISTED: Scientology vs. Disney (taped July 2nd)
Judge Black takes us on his own wild ride through two of Low Cals’ biggest and best known Fantasylands where the likes of Walt’s iconic animated rodent, Mickey wage war against L. Ron’s Dianetically driven “Mickey mouse” religious cult where “thetans” (rhymes with, but should not be confused with, “cretins’) have names like Xenu instead of Daffy, Dopey or Goofy.
LA LAW: The femininely feisty Kathleen Madigan matches wits with the adorably animated Andy Kindler. Think Tinker Bell (who’s nixed those tired old green slippers for some sex you up to Neverland stilettos) trying her damndest to pixilate the K Man.
BLACK MAGIC MOMENTS: Lewis, with a dementedly gleeful look in his eyes playfully bends a Princess Jasmine doll into contorted positions the likes of which none of the 2008 Female Gymnasts (even the 14year olds) ever imagined or attempted on the balance beam, uneven parallel bars, vault or floor exercise. Degree of Difficulty: 9.5.
Waxing poetic about his adolescent memories of one of Disney’s original Mousekeeters, Annette Funicello, Lewis admits that he had more than sweet dreams about Annette’s budding breasts and didn’t have to buy a ride ticket or stand in line to get wet and wild at Disneyland.
DISTURBIA: The crew’s strange obsession with keeping Lewis from drinking Low Cal’s Tehachapi Mountain’s spring water straight from the tap. Round 1 goes to the crew with Lew remaining Sipless in Studio 4 for the duration of the evening.
AND THE LEWLEW GOES TO:Kathleen, in obvious pain, precariously teetering on her four inch stiletto pumps waiting for her cue toughs it out and nails it on her first take after which she immediately whips off her shoes and gleefully slides barefoot across the newly swiffered floor.
LEW’D, CRUDE & OBNOX-ODOMETER:
Old time Mickey Mouse Club members like myself already know the melody that goes with the theme song that starts: "Who's the leader of the club, That's made for you and me- M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!" and I’ve still got my Mouseketeers ears to prove it! So, on a purely sentimental basis I had to award this episode a fist full of fingers. As for you Thetans out there - even though yours is a secret religious sect which prevents the rest of us from knowing what tune you’re singing,- you can rest assure that whatever Magic Kingdom you’ve bought your way into to make that makes your dreams comes true, Lewis managed to turn them into nightmares in less than 30 minutes in this gutsy and outrageous outing.
THE BLACKLISTED: Strip Clubs vs. Sororities (taped July 8th)
Whether they’ve majored in the fine art of gyration or are simply matriculating their school daze away it’s obvious that somebody’s getting a big fat “F” this semester from Judge Black.
LA LAW: Seeing how truly low they can go, Giraldo and Madigan get down tonight with tall tales of 7ft Vaginas, short stories about 3 ft tall dwarfs named Tanya and an 11th hour appeal from Giraldo to send in the "ejaculating clowns."
BLACK MAGIC MOMENT: Although all the talk about strip clubs apparently made Lewis want to take off his pants his repeated threats to drop’em to his ankles required multiple takes causing him by the 6th and final take to actually unbutton and unzip at precisely the moment when Whitney yelled "Cut and Print!" Guess it’s true what they say – "in Hollywood sometimes some of your best stuff ends up on the cutting room floor."
DISTURBIA:The group of people sitting next to me who were visiting from Hawaii after being procured from the nearby Kodak Theatre and were under the mistaken impression that Steve Colbert would be taking the stage at any moment on his newly redecorated set. Aloha...ha...ha...
AND THE LEWLEW GOES TO: WHEW!!! Giraldo who finally wins one after two seasons of trying. Thank God maybe we’ve heard the last of his "debases women" argument.
LEW’D, CRUDE & OBNOX-ODOMETER:
I’m guessing that when Cyndi Lauper sang, “Girls Just Want to Have Fun,” she probably didn’t have dry humping, lap dancing or ladies in pole positions in mind. Anyway, just for giving it the old college try, I’ve ordered up a threesome to reward these extracurricular activities.
THE BLACKLISTED: UFC vs. Bloggers (taped July 8th)
People whose writing ability (even in crayon on that pre-school dotted lined paper) is questionable at best versus people who never question their ability to write and write and write.
LA LAW:Audience fav, the adorable Patton Oswalt flings and slings the pooh in ol smoothie Andy Daly’s direction who expertly deflects the poop without even getting his lily white hands dirty.
BLACK MAGIC MOMENT: Lewis looses it when he’s told that because they "couldn’t figure out where the cameras were last week" he now has reshoot a series of "cold openings" for the prior three episodes and launches into a 5 minute expletive filled diatribe about why "working in TV is crap and he prefers doing standup!" Even though his Do-Overs were spot on perfection witnessing his volcanic grumbling and grousing would have been well worth the price of admission if had there been one.
DISTURBIA:Lewis spills it that Daly will probably become the new host of the Match Game (shades of Drew Carey, Dave Attell, Jeff Foxworthy and Howie Mandel - another fine comic takes a semi permanent gigs on the game show circuit). Andy Dick please call your agent now!
AND THE LEWLEW GOES TO: LEWIS- whose 10 minutes of hysterical close-up reaction shots which included some novel uses for his gavel, the spewing of nontap water with the velocity of SeaWorld’s Shamu and a randy and raucous repertoire of LMFAO facial expressions that would make even mime Marcel Marceau shout, "Ooh la la Lew!"
LEW’D, CRUDE & OBNOX-ODOMETER:
The edgy video clips provided by Daly and Patton off camera shaking of his ample ‘lil booty to Rick Ashley’s "Never Gonna Give You Up," made me what to flip’em four just for their efforts and break into a of rousing chorus of Toby’s Keith’s "I Wanna Talk About Me!" when Judge Black rendered his final verdict.
THE BLACKLISTED: Olympic Games vs. Drinking Games (taped July 10th)
One way or another, the morning after, somebody’s gonna wake up feeling the agony of defeat.
LA LAW: Good sportsmanship takes the night off as Giraldo and Tompkins level the playing field in a no holds bar effort to take each other down when the both go for the Gold.
BLACK MAGIC MOMENT: Surrounded by no less than four makeup people, Lewis to his obvious chagrin gets chapsticked, powdered, puffed, de-linted and de-smudged as all 154 of us looked on in rapt attention. However, when one of the makeup artists takes out her rat tail comb, starts teasing the back of his hair and spritzing it, Lewis loses it and announces that, "They’d all be better off just getting a couple of gallons of spackle and some duct tape and doing the fucking job done right!"
DISTURBIA: Shades of 2001- A Space Odyssey’s Computer Psycho Hal- the show’s Teleprompter has a temper tantrum and begins projecting the script in mid-sentence, backwards and upside down causing a major meltdown on the set and eliciting convulsive laughter from Lewis who was a handstand away from doing his lines upside down and assbackwards. Production comes to a grinding halt for about 15 minutes until everybody and Everything gets back on the same page again.
AND THE LEWLEW GOES TO: The stage crew whose never ending quest to keep Lew tap-free and on the bottle had turned into a whimsical battle of the wills with Lewis taunting them when he playfully attempted to take a swig out of what turned out to be his empty coffee mug. This prompted the floor crew to sprint Usain Bolt style up to the dais just in time to do an Aquafina handoff would have made even our Men’s 2008 Olympic Gold Medal 4 X 100 Track Relay Team proud.
LEW’D, CRUDE & OBNOX-ODOMETER:
Mostly because Giraldo’s closing argument really made me want to hurl (which had nothing remotely to do with any Olympic track and field events involving a discus, shot put or hammer throw) neither side is walking away with any medals for this event.
THE BLACKLISTED: Going Green vs. Spring Break (taped July 10th)
Girls Gone Wild meet their opponent Senator Al Gore aka the Green Giant.
LA LAW: Newcomer Andrea Savage makes Giraldo (who perhaps was contemplating recycling his "debases women" argument one more time) sweat it out and turn green with envy when first time up she wins her case.
BLACK MAGIC MOMENT: Lewis looses it big time when Action is called- he’s cued and cued again and NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS! Happily Lewis’ exceptional manual dexterity and in-depth knowledge of sign language and hand signals saves the day.
DISTURBIA: After Lewis complains that, "because it’s so fucking cold his dick has frozen to his goddamn balls," the aircon mysteriously clicks off and stays off ‘til we go to break.
AND THE LEWLEW GOES TO: The guy at the front gate who gave me "pee preference" when I really REALLY needed it the most.
LEW’D, CRUDE & OBNOX-ODOMETER:
Query:1) Will Global warming effect the Ft. Lauderdale judges’ ability to accurately render a fair and unbiased decision during those legendary wet t-shirt contests? and 2) How many pitchers of margaritas does it t take to wash away that funny aftertaste of Soylent Green? Until somebody answers these questions, you’re getting only double digits from me.
THE BLACKLISTED: NRA vs. PETA (taped July 15th)
Lewis takes aim and hits a Bull Eyes in this showdown which pits Animal Rights Activists armed with red paint against fully locked and loaded Rednecks armed with their own version of man’s best friend.
LA LAW: Tompkins and Kindler, who are both pretty adept at sharp shooting from the hip, stay pretty much on target throughout the course of the taping and unload some zingers in the process.
BLACK MAGIC MOMENT: Lewis who’s been screwing up the tapings of some Promos, starts reprimanding himself. The phlegm and "Fuck Mes!" flew in abundant proportions especially when it took him multiple (double digits) attempts to shoot a nonsensical ad for Comedy Central which had literally nothing to do with Root. Lewis was so fatootsed over the content that, after polling the audience and being told flat out that "it sucked," he called out the writers who wrote it, who immediately copped to the fact that they didn’t know what the fuck it meant either just that the Comedy Central Execs ordered and approved it. Armed with that knowledge, Lewis, tongue in cheek, nailed it on the next take.
DISTURBIA: When strange noises started echoing throughout the studio every time and ONLY when Lewis spoke, Lewis got uncharacteristically quiet and pondered out loud at whether the place was haunted. As it turned out no non-union Poltergeist were used or injured in the production of the show and eventually the paranormal activity went away. Perhaps a "blithe spirit" floated in to see Lewis cuz his spirits needed a lift?
AND THE LEWLEW GOES TO: Kindler, who Lewis revealed once opened for him and had an act that was so fucking nasty that when Lewis came out the audience gave him a standing ovation simply because he looked so fucking nice.
LEW’D, CRUDE & OBNOX-ODOMETER:
Even though was a given that because of Lewis’ support of the Brady Center and his hysterical account of Vice President Cheney‘s quail tale of woe, the NRA was gonna take the hit on this one- I’m still giving it a 5 finger salute anyway based upon Tompkins' inspired Charlton Heston - Planet of the Apes parody.
THE BLACKLISTED: Red States vs. Blue States (taped July 15th)
Ok- it’s an election year so it’s inevitable that one episode would get devoted to this black state of affairs. Luckily for everyone, Judge Black was color blind enough to hand down a nonpartisan verdict that turned both of the Prosecutors and even some of the audience a lighter shade of pale.
LA LAW: The bow tied Tompkins and the seldom tongue tied Oswalt show their true colors as they exchanged bipartisan barbs across party lines.
BLACK MAGIC MOMENT: After rehearsing the audience into frenzy for the opening of the show, Lewis got so worked up he banged his gavel on its hardwood soundblock so hard that it careened right off of the dais into the audience- not once…but twice. Third time out he just pounded merrily away on the top of the dais until some of the decorative façade cracked, shattered and disintegrated.
DISTURBIA: OK TMI: But when one of the makeup artists came up from behind Lewis who was intently pondering his script on the dais and started teasing the back of hair and then started to spray it with some of that hair volumnizer used to fill in the thin spots in the back, Lewis, who’s face turned redder than any of the states who are supporting McCain, sarcastically quipped to anyone (which was everyone) who was watching, "So when they tell you how great you look on television it’s only because you’ve got 45 fucking people following you around trying to resculpture your face. It’s all smoke and mirrors! Fuck Me!"
AND THE LEWLEW GOES TO: Tompkins and Oswalt whose post verdict outrageous offstage antics, which ran the gamut from openly sobbing inconsolably to catatonic trances to unabashed writhing on the floor, rivaled the physical comedy of Jim Carrey and incidentally got more laughs than anything that will air for this episode.
LEW’D, CRUDE & OBNOX-ODOMETER:
The unexpected verdict salvaged what certainly wouldn’t get my vote or even a hanging chad as the best episode for this season. But, its effect on the piqued Prosecutors, as well as the audience, was the funniest PR I’ve seen and heard for PR since Gilda Radner’s SNL alter ego, Emily Litella asked whether it was "a steak?" Emily who? Never mind - I’m still only giving it a deuce.
THE BLACKLISTED: The Hills vs. Rocket Scientists (taped July 17th)
Total eclipse of the smart: Vapid and vacuous earthbound heavenly bodies on a meteoric collision course with the Man in the Moon and his progeny. Dumb-de- dumb-dumb DUMB!!!
LA LAW: First timer Jerry Miner and semi-regular Tompkins whip it out in style when the bring back the bravado of the silk pocket handkerchief in an attempt to go where only a few good men have successfully gone before and resurrect the 60’s Rat Pack ensemble insouciance. I can just hear Sinatra now: "Fly me to the Moon..."
BLACK MAGIC MOMENT: After sarcastically remarking that the "Network Powers That Be" in an effort to turn things around and make the show edgier decided to use the term 'Prosecutors' instead of 'advocates' and NOT getting the desired audience reaction or for that matter any reaction at all, Lewis looked up to the heavens and groaned: "The excitement is fucking palpable at a fever’s pitch. We’re fucking back to zero here…Fuck me!" and then launched into one of his trademark diatribes which contained enough f-bombs to certainly exceed the Kennedy (not the Space one) Center "fuck" limit.
DISTURBIA: The shrieking of the car alarm (from a vehicle which sounded like it had been double parked just offstage) which was so loud and annoying that it totally muffled Lewis screaming "What the fuck?!" "Fuck Me!" "Fuck this Shit!" "Fuck it All!" "Fuck-Fuck-Fuck!!!!!" Hmmm - maybe ET should phone ahead just to make he’s curbside when the Mothership pulls up out in front to transport him home.
AND THE LEWLEW GOES TO: Miner for taking "one small step" for viewers who are on a galaxy quest for quality and coherent television programs.
LEW’D, CRUDE & OBNOX-ODOMETER:
Stupid is as stupid does. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Judge Black was going to ream one of them with a new Black hole. Now, please join me a chorus of "Stupid Girl" by Pink and "Stupid Girl" by the Rolling Stones depending on whether you were alive when Armstrong fist set foot on the moon.
THE BLACKLISTED: GENX vs. Baby Boomers (taped July 17th)
Thirtysomethings take on Twentysomething-or-others. Boy, what a difference a decade makes.
LA LAW: Babes in the woods Tompkins and Daly hotly debate life, death, taxes and most importantly the legalization of medical marijuana.
BLACK MAGIC MOMENT: Lewis royally bitching about his/our generations’ failure to approve medical marijuana and his repeated thwarted attempts to bang someone in the back of a VW bus and I quote: "Fahrvergnugen? Kiss my dick!!"
DISTURBIA: Why the fuck after 2-1/2 weeks are the vending machines outside the studio still empty and why does the only functional public drinking fountain, which is right outside the men’s urinals, have the streaming power of a 98 year old’s prostrate?
AND THE LEWLEW GOES TO: Tompkins- for still trying to bring back that silk pocket handkerchief thingy.
LEW’D, CRUDE & OBNOX-ODOMETER:
Bust or Boom? Lewis may have rendered his angst filled verdict but the jury’s still out for me on this one.
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