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Sound Off: Judge J writings
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Lewis Black at the MGM Grand, Las Vegas
submitted by: Pam Love
I was really looking forward to this performance. I mean REALLY
looking forward to it. It is my yearly treat to see Lewis Black live. I
had hoped to see him during the last Comedy Festival, on my birthday,
but he didn’t go in to that line up last time around. So, last night, I
had my ticket and I was sittin’ in the front row.
Given that Lewis Black would be the only living, over-fifty Jew who is
single and datable in this town while he’s here, I thought I’d better
look my best. So, I went to Macy’s and got some help from the clerk who
must know better than me.
More than one friend has told me to set free the ample bazooms I keep
pretty well hidden. So? The mission that day last week was to get a boob
dress. I was going to dress like a normal woman
After many tries, we settled on a casual, but a tad frilly number that
required a strapless bra. Oh dear. How can this be done? The nice lady
had plenty of ideas.
It has been so long since I’ve been shopping for underwear in a place
other than Walmart that I didn’t know things had changed. They actually
had bras my size! No special ordering, lots of colors and styles and
several strapless bras, IN MY SIZE! How could this be?? I had hit the
mother load. Thank God for plastic surgeons. There are so many huge boob
jobs in Vegas that I can now shop from the rack!! My big ol’ boobs have
finally become a NORMAL size. I vow to never make fun of fake boobs again.
So she gave me this strapless bra. I looked at it, looked at her, back at it, and told her, “This couldn’t possibly work. How in the
Hell is this thing going to keep them up? It’s just gunna fall down.”
“No,” she said, and seemed to be speaking from about a 40F
experience. “It will work! It stays up, trust me.”
I got the contraption on and it really did stay up! I put on the frilly
number over it and voila! A new woman. I felt so naked. I mean, there
was CLEAVAGE for all to see. I had set them free, but still not too sure
I wanted to.
After milling around a bit to gather up all sorts of new and fun styles
with designer names on them, I checked out. She gave me some last minute
words of advice for jewelry and shoes and off I went dreaming about how
good I was going to look on my big night at the show.
Baruch Hashem for Macy’s.
The day of the show, I spent painting my nails, plucking and
shaving enough to be presentable and getting last minute advice from my
actor friend, my comedy writer friend, my grunge musician friend and my
best friend. The question I could not answer is what would I say if I was able to meet
him at the meet and greet after the show?
I don’t know the strip that well so I left early to accommodate the
getting lost minutes. I put my copy of Lewis Black’s book in my purse,
jammed some blog business cards in the pocket, got into my new snazzy
‘free the bazooms’ get up, put on the lucky blue eye shadow the Persian
girl gave me a few weeks ago, and got into the trusty Eclipse. The trip
was quick because I drove right to the place. Great! Now I’m almost an
hour and half early. What am I going to do? I didn’t want to sit around
the casino by myself, so I called my best friend and talked to her while
sitting in my car in the parking garage
We managed to kill off about a half an hour or more and it was time for
me to go out in public all exposed like this. I noticed in the rear view
mirror that a group of women were walking up to the elevator. One was
showing a lot more boob than I was AND was in a purple sequined tank
top. Okay, I probably am not going to get arrested for indecent exposure
after all. I got up the courage for the long walk in to the MGM Grand.
Just before the escalator, I was behind a group of tourists from Central
America or some place. They were chattering away in Spanish. I noticed
one guy turn around and look at me then nudge the guy next to him. I
could feel my face beginning to blush, I wondered if a boob flopped out
and checked, but told myself it had nothing to do with me and moved on
to other thoughts. Then the other guy turned around and winked at me. Oh
GAWD. There was a day when I could handle this sort of stuff, but I’m
fifty now. I spent a few years with a guy I am still I’m embarrassed
that I ever even dated, much less married, and then spent the last year
getting over it. Now I think I’m ready to go out on a date and every
time some stranger looks at me I want to run and hide. There is no hope
for me.
But I forged on. I finally found the theater. I sat next to a slot
machine and had my last smoke, sent a text message or two and checked
out the crowd going in. I was pleasantly surprised it wasn’t the usual
T-shirt and fanny pack brigade. Like me, most of them actually wore
clothes when going out to a show. There were plenty of women who were
showing a lot more off than me and they didn’t even seem to have any
shame about it. Have I been on another planet for the past decade or what?
I’ve never been in the Hollywood Theater before so I didn’t know what to
really expect about where my seat was. I knew I was in front, but that
could mean a lot of things. The usher took me to my seat and boy, was it
ever in the front row. I was at a tiny two-top smashed up against the
low stage and it had four seats around it. Las Vegas isn’t much for fire
codes, just so you know. There was a nice girl from Seattle sitting
there. It seems her date became ill at the last minute so she was texting him about what a great seat he would have had, just to
rub in it. I like this girl. She’s my kind of people. We talked for a
bit off and on. I told her that lucky for her I changed my mind about
throwing over-sized panties at Lewis Black from our table. I’d hate for
her to be embarrassed when everyone would think she knew me. She said
she wouldn’t have minded, she’d just point at me and tell everyone they
were mine. The more I sat there, the more I thought maybe I should have brought the
over-sized panties.
Another guy came and was seated with us at our Lonely Hearts Table in
the front row. If we wanted to, we were close enough to grab a pants
leg. Or… throw panties with a gentle toss. Hardly an effort.
I was thirsty and wanted my seltzer so I asked the Seattle girl if a
waitress ever came by. She told me that she wasn’t ordering, but one did
come by a while ago and left her this cocktail napkin. We both looked at
it there on the table in wonder. Then she said, “I guess it is to dab
the drool.” HA! So I’m not the only one who finds this guy hot… I gave
up hope of ever seeing that waitress and the show started.
John Bowman started the show and he is one funny guy. I have heard he
was hilarious but have never seen him perform. He was every bit of funny
that people say. He had us roaring. He was picking on some poor sap from
Massachusetts who had been living with his girlfriend for the past
seventeen years. Yeah, still hasn’t married her. And Bowman made him
pay. And pay dearly, ALL through his portion of the show. Bowman likes
to interact with the people in the audience and that is the majority of
his act. He does it well; he’s just a naturally fun guy. When he’s
talking about something, it looks like he’s just killing some time while
he thinks up another thing to say to somebody. By the time he was done,
the waitress had been by and took my seltzer order and I think my face
hurt. I know my magical strapless bra was beginning to hurt…
Bowman noted that his time was up and he tinkered away on his ukulele.
He said something about Lewis that I don’t recall, but it set off the
Master of Annoyance back stage. Suddenly there was shouting aimed
directly at John Bowman who laughed and didn’t bother to fight back. He
introduced the guy we’d been waiting to see, Mr. Lewis Black. Two of us
at the Lonely Hearts Table dabbed some drool.
WHERE was that waitress? I was thirsty, my throat was dry and I was
beginning to cough. HELLO! We are in the desert here!
Mr. Black. What can I say that has not already been said before? The man
is a comic genius. I don’t think there has ever been a comic who could
make me laugh like he can. There is funny, and a lot of people are
funny, but this guy is really something special. You know what he’s
annoyed by is what really ticks you off too, but he explains it all with
such hysteria and with the epitome of your own rage at the idiocy of it
all. He IS what we want to be. We want to scream it from the roof tops,
but we won’t. Somehow with the skill of Lewis Black he does all of this
in a way that will have tears of laughter running from your eye. He is
our Icon of fighting back on those things that annoy the ever living
shit out of us.
But that is just his act, his stage routine. The real brilliance lies in
how seriously he takes comedy. He knows he’s performing and he knows he
is putting on a show to entertain people. It is quite clear he does not
take this lightly. His brilliant mind is ticking away during the entire
performance. If the joke didn’t land the way he thought it should, he’ll
start either taking the blame or start blaming. He kept score, the
audience vs. him. He’d give a point, he’d take away. This always was
funnier than whatever the hell he said in the first place. His quick wit
is difficult to fully keep up with. There is an awful lot going on in
that head of his. There is also something else…he has an ass like a
thirty-year old dancer. I swear to God. It IS AWESOME. I found this to
be highly distracting. How can I follow what this highly intelligent,
brilliant comedian is saying when every time he turns around and walk to
the back of the stage, I see that?
He looked at me and did an instant double-take and a bit of a curl of a
smile came to his face. He recognized me? Maybe, or maybe he was looking
at someone else…
Oh my God, my bra was killing me. I was sure it was bruising my ribs. I
was laughing so hard, and every once in a while I’d get this jolt of
pain. I am not so sure showing my boobies off in public is such a good
idea. How do women tolerate this? Do you build up calluses or something?
Pleeease, stop being so funny, it hurts to laugh. And quit turning
around, it makes my mind go blank and I have to keep up.
Finally, the waitress came with my seltzer, which was flat, by the way.
I was coughing pretty badly by that point so I welcomed any liquid
refreshment.
My boob device had turned on me, and I was having a hard time focusing
but I had some flat seltzer to drink so all was going to be well. And
the man, our hero, continued… Lewis Black mentioned the word
‘republican’ and a guy in the audience wooted. Ohhhh, he shouldn’t have
done a woot. Really, haha, he should not have wooted. Mr. Black paused.
The glasses came off. The audience began to giggle and stir in
anticipation. He rubbed his eyes. Oh God, here it comes… The hands began
to shake and he began, “DON’T YOU EVER….” We were just dying in
hysterics. Surely, someone had to have fallen out of their seat and
rolled to the flood clutching their belly. I guess the point of that
particular rant was to let that one guy know that you really shouldn’t
become too attached to a particular president. He made his case, he
paused to let us all gather ourselves together again, dab the drool, dot
the laughter from our eyes, catch our breath and prepare for more.
More shooting pain from this terror device that girl sold me. I need to
adjust it, but I’ll be damned if I am going to stick my hands down my
boob dress to pull the thing up in front of Lewis Black., so I just tough it out. I must be
a lady and just sit there take it. Some women actually give birth to
children. I haven’t, but still. Surely I can take it. It’s for the cause.
The Seattle girl was wiping tears from her cheek. Mr. Black checked his
watch and soon the terrific night came to a close. He reintroduced John
Bowman who came out and bowed. They both walked off stage in opposite
directions.
It was clear at that point there was no meet and greet. I never got
to shake Lewis Black’s hand or have him sign my copy of his book. I
never got a shot at tempting him in to taking me to the Clark county
fair. But an awesome performance it was and worth far more than the
ticket price. And there is always the next show on August 30th & 31st 2008. I’ll
be sittin’ in the front row in the Danny Gans Theater, Mirage, Las
Vegas, Nevada.
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